“Ladies, it ain’t easy bein’ independent”
Sunday night, was the second night in my life, I’ve had a holy crap - I live alone feeling.
The first? I was in Indianapolis. I had just flown home from a trip to Montreal (je sais, le sigh.) And I felt like crap. Of course, after flying home - I went out to the local hangout with a few coworkers and just tossed up that crappy feeling to being at 30,000 feet up in the air and flying being generally germy.
Was very wrong.
I went home and took a conference call with some of folks in Japan (Arigato!). The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the middle of my small apartment hallway apparently having been passed out while on this conference call. Turns out I had a kidney infection and the lack of “taking care of myself” caused me to run a fever so high, my body shut down. I ended up driving myself to MedCheck the next day (after working a full day, natch) and the nurse freaked out on me when my temperature was 103.
Je sais, insane. But at least then I passed out.
The second? Sunday night, I wasn’t so lucky. I essentially woke up at 3:30am to a women in an apartment above me/near me/around me - screaming. Like bloody murder screaming. For the record, I could sleep thru a parade - and so to be woken up to this SCREAMING.. It was totally disorienting. I hear furniture moving, glass breaking, and a guy yelling…hey, hey, hey.
Then silence.
And I froze. I couldn’t move - outside the nervous shaking. Here I was sleeping in my bed, by myself and couldn’t remember if I’d locked my door. What if I moved? Got up and this same “hey hey hey” guy could hear that - and knew someone woke up? Do I call the cops? I wasn’t sure where all this came from?
I’m all about the “all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me” - but sometimes you need SOMEONE to just be there in some way.
The last time I went and saw The Head and the Heart - they were opening for Iron & Wine at The Vogue in Indianapolis. Instantly the songs from their self titled debut album (get it - thank me later) really struck a cord with me.
So when I saw they were playing last Saturday at The Independent here in San Francisco (an even smaller venue then The Vogue) - I was immediately disappointed that it was sold out and that I didn’t really have anyone to go with.
But on Saturday I woke up with a few reminders that I moved out to San Francisco for a variety of reasons and some included challenging myself. Ask ‘Three Years ago Dawn’ if she’d gone to a concert by herself and she’d call you crazy. And don’t even the mention the fact of taking public transportation to said concert. Pure. Craziness.
But here I was Saturday morning faced with a dilemma. Stay at home and think about how great the concert would be hearing one of my favorite bands live. Or I could go live my life and actually see them. Besides who really talks during a concert and how super obvious is it you are by yourself?
So I went. And It rocked. And you know what? I left feeling empowered and had a skip in my step. I just did something I never thought I could do and I did it alone.
Here is a great link to full Version of River and Roads from that Night.
Let it be known and for the official stated record: I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity I have to live in such an amazing city like San Francisco. During my travels, I always feel “at home” when among huge buildings as opposed to corn fields.
But there are days when I get incredibly homesick. I received the first picture above this week and the tears started to form.
It’s a car. It’s my car (her name is Bella). She is currently back in Indianapolis in a parking garage waiting to be sold. And in an instant Bella made me miss home.
I’m the last person anyone would call a “car girl” and a car is just a possession but it’s more what Bella represents. Things I miss;
- Going to Target whenever the hell I wanted and being able to buy anything I wanted cause I could (usually) easily transport it home.
- My 5 minute commute into work.
- The many chats I’ve had in that dreary parking garage.
- And very simply, getting from point a to point b without bus timetables and homeless crazies.
I’ve decided to let these moments of homesick-ness take over and do their thing instead of fighting it. But I’ve decided when those moments happen I need to do something to remind myself the opportunities and experiences I get to have being in California.
So what did I do? I went to the beach. Cause Indianapolis doesn’t have a beach within 150 miles of it (cause let’s be real - Indiana Beach doesn’t count). I sat and watched the sunset with the view of the Golden Gate bridge. I am a midwest gal living by the beach. I know, crazy.
I am fortunate.
I am homesick.
And it’s okay.
